10 Signs of Gaslighting: Recognising Coercive Control in Relationships

Feel like you’re losing your grasp on reality? No, chances are, you’re not a victim of unexplained sudden insanity but a victim of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a particularly nasty form of psychological manipulation. 

Coined from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” where a toxic husband tries to make his wife doubt her reality, gaslighting is all about enforcing control and power over someone by making them question their sanity and perception of events. I’ll explore 10 signs of gaslighting and offer insights on recognising and dealing with this poisonous behaviour.

Constant Denial

Do you know someone who consistently denies actions, statements, or events? Gaslighters will straight-up deny that they ever said or did something, even if you have concrete evidence. They may also twist the truth about their intentions, pretending they meant no harm. Meanwhile, your gut is telling you otherwise. This constant denial leaves you questioning your recollection and sanity.

Example: Your partner promised to attend an important event with you, but when the time comes, they claim they never said yes to it.

Trivialising Feelings

Next in 10 signs of gaslighting is trivialising your emotions and concerns. The gaslighter may mock your feelings, telling you you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” These words make you doubt the validity of your emotions, undermining the foundations of your self-worth.

Example: You express feeling hurt because someone made an offensive comment, and they respond by saying, “You’re too sensitive and take everything personally. It was just a joke.”

Projection

Projection is a defence mechanism where the gaslighter attributes their negative traits or actions to you. Suddenly, everything is your fault. It’s all about getting the blame and responsibility away from them; they don’t want to be the bad guy. This tactic makes you feel like you’re in the wrong, even when you’re not.

Example: If a gaslighter is dishonest, they might accuse you of being a liar. Everything this person is and does gets assigned to you instead. Convenient. 

Withholding Information

A classic behaviour in 10 signs of gaslighting is intentionally withholding information and keeping you in the dark about important matters. The emotional abuser feels a sense of power and control while making you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality.

Example: Your colleague deliberately withholds crucial project details, causing you to appear unprepared during a meeting or presentation. Super nasty. 

Countering

Countering involves constantly challenging your thoughts and opinions. Pretty much everything you say or believe. When you express yourself, gaslighters will contradict your experiences and make you question your judgment for the fun of it. This tactic aims to weaken your self-worth, views and decision-making abilities.

Example: You mention that your friend said something offensive, but the gaslighter insists that your perception of the matter is the problem. Other times, they will dislike something simply because you like it. 

Isolation

Gaslighters want you isolated. They may subtly or overtly encourage you to distance yourself from friends and family, making you more dependent on them. Before you know it, you have only the gaslighter around to base your sense of reality. 

Example: Your partner constantly criticises your friends and family, making you uncomfortable or embarrassed spending time with them.

Withholding Affection and Validation

10 signs of gaslighting wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the withholding of affection, validation, or praise as a way to manipulate you. The emotional abuser aims to make you feel like you must earn their love and approval, eroding your self-esteem. 

Example: Your boss never acknowledges your hard work and achievements, causing you to doubt your performance. You notice that others are spoken to positively about their work, often in your presence. 

Shifting Goalposts

Never know where you stand? Gaslighters frequently move the goalposts in a relationship. They strive to create a sense of confusion and uncertainty, leaving you unsure of their expectations. 

Example: You and your business partner agreed on specific terms, but they keep altering the agreement without your consent. They then get irate with you when they were the one to leave you in the dark.  

Playing the Victim

Playing the victim has become a professional hobby for some. Gaslighters will attempt to manipulate situations to make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions, even when you are not at fault. They use this to look pitiful, gain sympathy and further control.

Example: Your friend ignores your boundaries, but when you express discomfort, they act hurt and accuse you of not considering their feelings. Everything is about them; you’re not even seen as a person with an individual thought process and emotions. 

Silent Treatment

The last of 10 signs of gaslighting is the silent treatment. Here, the gaslighter becomes unresponsive or avoids communication to punish or manipulate you. This tactic instils a sense of uncertainty and fear.

Example: Your romantic partner stops talking to you for days without explanation, refusing to answer your messages or calls. Your anxiety levels skyrocket. 

Dealing with Gaslighting

Recognising these 10 signs of gaslighting is the first step to protect yourself from its damaging effects. Here are some strategies to help you deal better. 

Trust Your Instincts: Listen to your gut feeling, always. If something feels off, it probably is. Your intuition doesn’t lie. 

Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends and family members. They can offer an objective perspective and much-needed emotional support.

Document Everything: This may seem over the top, but keep records of interactions, conversations, and incidents to help validate your reality.

Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate your relationship needs and expectations. Tell your abuser, “No.” 

Practice Self-Care: Prioritise self-compassion activities to boost your sense of self and inner resilience.

Get Some Distance: In many cases, it may be crucial to distance yourself from the gaslighter to protect your mental and emotional well-being. No matter how strong we think we are, we can only tolerate so much. 

10 Signs of Gaslighting Round-Up 

Gaslighting is a genuinely toxic and highly damaging emotional tactic. The perpetrators are narcissistic and cowardly. By spotting the signs of gaslighting and implementing strategies to deal with it, you can help protect yourself from the harmful effects of this psychological manipulation. Sad but true, remember that not everyone lives in reality.