Is the Narcissist Secretly Gay? It’s Not What You Think

Do you have a suspected narcissist in your life? And if so, have you ever found yourself wondering about their sexuality? You won’t be alone. 

People with narcissistic traits are found everywhere in life, from the workplace to personal relationships. In recent years, there has been a growing interest in exploring the connection between narcissism and sexual identity. So, is the narcissist secretly gay? In the article, I’ll explore the truths behind the narcissist’s sexual preferences. 

Understanding Narcissism

Those with narcissistic personality disorder generally fall into two camps: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.

Grandiose Narcissism: Know someone who appears to be endlessly charismatic and the life and soul of the party? At the same time, does your intuition tell you that something is off about this person? Enter the grandiose, overt narcissist. This form of narcissism is all about an apparent inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a non-discreet lack of empathy. 

People with overt narcissism often see themselves as superior to others and can be wildly manipulative in their pursuit of praise and power. This type of narcissist is frequently verbose in their use of language and is obsessed with appearances, status and wealth. Overt narcissists generally come across as camp and theatrical; many are used to others questioning their sexuality. 

Vulnerable Narcissism: Vulnerable narcissism, on the other hand, is characterised by an apparent deep sense of insecurity, low self-esteem, and a constant fear of rejection or abandonment. Commonly known as covert narcissism, these individuals possessed a more introverted nature before the disorder took hold. Covert narcissists still seek admiration and validation like their overt counterparts but tend to be far more sly in their endeavours. 

Is the narcissist secretly gay? Covert narcissists, particularly the male kind, may frequently get questions surrounding their sexuality. Vulnerable narcissism and high masculinity do not go hand in hand. Men suffering from this form of narcissism typically appear effeminate and somewhat pitiful. 

Sexual Identity and Narcissism

So, what exactly is going on? While there is no empirical evidence to suggest that narcissism is directly linked to a person’s sexual orientation, there are various reasons why so many ponder this topic. It’s not uncommon to hear, “I think he’s in the closet”, about a narcissist. 

People with narcissistic personality disorder struggle with having no core identity. The true self of the narcissist stopped developing in their toddler years, as the false self of the condition took over. Narcissists, therefore, go through life with a makeshift persona; small remnants of the true self remain, repressed within and suffocated by the monstrous and domineering ego of the false self. Within their wounded souls, narcissists have no idea who they are as a person; this personality defect determines all other areas of their existence, including their sexuality. 

So, Is the Narcissist Secretly Gay Then? 

Rather than being traditionally heterosexual or homosexual, narcissists are best described as gender fluid. Sexual preference is a construct of the self, but as people with narcissistic personality disorder possess no authentic self, they also lack a genuine sexuality. 

Narcissists rely on praise and compliments from others to get by in life, typically known as narcissistic supply. This supply is everything to the narcissist: their fuel and oxygen. Without this adoration, the narcissist and their false self construct cease to exist in a very real sense. 

When this happens, those with this personality disorder suffer narcissistic collapse, meaning the face they show to the world essentially disappears. If you’ve ever witnessed such a collapse, you may have asked yourself, did I ever know this person? The narcissist falls into ruin, and poisonous shame runs through their veins; to fall into this state is often life-threatening for the pathological narcissist. The sole goal in life is to avoid this happening. 

The narcissist, therefore, laps up whatever supply is for the taking. Do you fear that your suspected narcissist husband is gay because he’s formed a new close male friendship? Does he appear to come across as camp? If a male narcissist is in the presence of another man, they may overtly flirt if they deem the outcome to be narcissistic supply. Some narcissists may even go as far as having sexual relations with the same sex despite not being, in practice, homosexual. To the average narcissist, supply is supply, and that’s all that matters. 

On the other hand, most narcissists are hugely concerned about their public persona and reputation. For this reason, many narcissists enter marriage or a partnership with someone of the opposite sex. It’s easy to presume that the average narcissist is, therefore, heterosexual, but this isn’t the case. Having a wife or husband by their side reflects well on the narcissist, giving the impression of a successful, well-functioning member of society. How the narcissist appears to others is their concern; their actions are not born out of love or sexual longing for their partner. 

Final Thoughts on Is the Narcissist Secretly Gay? 

Sexuality is a construct that is determined by our identities. The typical person has likes and dislikes, genuine opinions, and views on various topics. As much as they may fake it, narcissists don’t, for the most part. The opinions of others easily sway them, and they rally with whatever or whoever will generate the much-needed supply. 

Sexual preference comes under the same umbrella. As hard as it can be to accept, with no genuine self, the narcissist swings whichever way takes their fancy. For partners of narcissists, this is a particularly uncomfortable truth. The narcissist is never able to move past themselves as they journey through life; they remain stuck in eternal survival mode. Others are never appreciated as standalone individuals with feelings and a soul of their own. Like with so many other things in the narcissist’s world, the gender of others is irrelevant in the narcissist’s eternal battle for self-worth.