6 Things Covert Narcissists Say in an Argument

Arguing is bound to happen from time to time in any relationship, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or romantic partner. Disagreements are a natural part of human interaction, and when handled constructively, they can sometimes lead to personal growth and strengthened relationships. However, when one party in the argument is a covert narcissist, the dynamics can become much more complicated. So complicated that it’s necessary to decode things covert narcissists say in an argument. 

Covert narcissists are individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits but do so in a sly, less overt manner. On the surface, they appear humble and generous and have low self-esteem. The covert narcissist’s carefully constructed mask hides the more sinister soul who lies within, however. Let’s explore six things that covert narcissists often say in an argument and shed light on their devious tactics. 

“You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.”

One of the most insidious tactics employed by covert narcissists during arguments is the dreaded gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where the narcissist makes you doubt your feelings, perceptions, and sanity. When you express your emotions or concerns during an argument, a covert narcissist may respond with phrases like, “You’re blowing this out of proportion” or “You love arguments, don’t you?” These comments aim to undermine your grasp of reality and feelings, making you question whether you have a valid reason to be upset.

Gaslighting is particularly damaging because it erodes your self-confidence. Over time, you may become hesitant to express your emotions or concerns, ultimately allowing the covert narcissist to maintain control over the relationship, which is, of course, precisely what they want. It’s time to start trusting your personal feelings and intuition. Seek support from friends or family who can help you validate your emotions and experiences.

“You’re always attacking me.”

Covert narcissists will always portray themselves as victims, even when they are the ones responsible for the conflict. Things covert narcissists say in an argument? You may hear, “You’re always attacking me”, or “Why are you so mean to me?” It’s all about shifting the focus away from their actions and redirecting it towards you, making you feel guilty or responsible for their emotional distress. In this scenario, the narcissist reenacts their childhood, resorting back to the helpless figure they once were, and positions you as the bullying adult. 

By playing the victim, covert narcissists elicit sympathy and support from those around them, making it nearly impossible for you to address the real issues at hand. If possible, stay focused on the actual problem and not allow yourself to get sucked into a guilt trip. Stick to the facts, express your feelings clearly, and avoid falling into the role of the “bad guy” that the covert narcissist is trying to cast you as. Crucially, know when to save yourself and walk away. 

“What about when you did this?”

Next, in things covert narcissists say in an argument, we have their deflection statements. Covert narcissists are professionals at avoiding accountability for their actions. When confronted, they may respond with, “What about when you did this?” or “You’re no better than me.” The covert narcissist’s number one goal is to divert attention away from their wrongdoing by shifting blame onto you. Utterly maddening. 

Deflection makes it beyond challenging to resolve conflicts and address the underlying issues in the relationship. If the covert narcissist tries to bring up past events or unrelated grievances, calmly (if you can) steer the conversation back to the current issue and the behaviour you want to address. 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Another common tactic, and next on the list of things covert narcissists say in an argument, is to say nothing at all. When faced with a conflict, the narcissist may decide to withdraw suddenly, refuse to engage in the discussion or state, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” They aim to shut down the conversation and maintain control by depriving you of the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings. Nice. 

The silent treatment is frustrating and hurtful, leaving you unheard and dismissed. Now’s the time to establish boundaries and assert the importance of open communication in the relationship. Let the covert narcissist know that avoiding the issue is not a productive way to resolve conflicts. Sadly, the narcissist is highly unlikely to ‘get it,’ but at least you’ve had your say. 

“I love you so much; why are you doing this to me?”

Covert narcissists go through their lives attempting to gain sympathy and keep you emotionally invested in the relationship. Amid an argument, they may suddenly switch gears and start love-bombing, saying things like, “I love you, and I would never do this to you” or “I can’t live without you.” This tactic aims to make you feel guilty for causing upset to the covert narcissist and to keep you emotionally attached to them.

Stay calm, and recognise this behaviour for what it is: a manipulation technique. Stay focused on the issue at hand, and don’t allow expressions of love or affection to throw you off from addressing the underlying problems in the relationship.

“I guess I’m just a terrible person.”

Finally, in things covert narcissists say in an argument, we have self-belittling. When faced with a situation that threatens their already shaky self-image or when their manipulation tactics are exposed, covert narcissists resort to tried and tested self-deprecation. By feigning vulnerability and admitting fault, they aim to elicit reassurance and kind words from the other person.

This phrase serves as a ploy to manipulate emotions and seek validation. The narcissist wants you to tell them that they are not the negative character they’re subtly portraying. It’s a means to regain control of the situation by drawing sympathy and attention back to the narcissist, as always. 

Final Thoughts on Things Covert Narcissists Say in an Argument

Dealing with a covert narcissist in an argument is essentially impossible. No matter how calm and reasonable your character, the narcissist will push you to the edge of sanity. Learn to recognise their manipulation tactics and work to maintain your own emotional well-being and self-esteem. 

The unfortunate truth is that sometimes, no amount of assertiveness and boundary-setting works with a covert narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder possess a completely different view of reality and events; they will always bend the truth to make them look good. Covert narcissists don’t have a healthy enough sense of worth to afford to be wrong. In so many cases, sadly, your only option is to walk away and leave the narcissist to their delusions.