Why the Narcissist Does Not Change

Have you ever wondered why the narcissist is so averse to and incapable of change? Most people continue to develop and mature emotionally as they go through life. For the narcissist, however, this is not the case. Generally speaking, the narcissist does not change. Many of us may also wonder do narcissists get worse with age? Any transformation is challenging for pathologically narcissistic people. There are several reasons why ‘Can narcissists change?’ is a commonly asked question and hotly debated subject matter.

A Rigid Personality Structure

Firstly, and in answer to can a narcissist change, individuals with this personality disorder cannot comprehend the problem. Pathological narcissism is a defence mechanism that developed as a coping method in very early childhood. Suppose the parent, who most likely offered conditional love or was narcissistic, unfairly blamed the narcissist when they were a child. In that case, the narcissist will be very sensitive to having any blame placed on them in adulthood. This situation is the case even when they warrant the blame. The cold reality is that the narcissist cannot take responsibility for anything and hates little more than being asked to be accountable. 

The ingrained pattern of behaviour is to deny, deflect and refuse anything they perceive as criticism. The narcissist lives in a constant survival mode, even though the emotional abuse incurred in childhood has long since passed. Will a narcissist ever change? The abuse created the narcissistic wound at an age when the narcissist could not process the hurt emotionally. The narcissist, therefore, became emotionally stunted and never went on to develop adult-level emotional intelligence. As a result, they focus entirely on their needs, in the same way we see small children behave. Empathy comes at too high a cost in the narcissist’s battle to exist and feel as though they matter.

Can a narcissist change? In the narcissist’s mind, they do not want to see the reality of the situation. To do so would be too painful, and they are devoid of the ability to self-reflect and heal. Their dysfunction has developed, so they do not have to see or face the truth. If they could realise the truth, they would at least be able to make small changes to their behaviour, giving people who wonder if a narcissist will ever change some hope.

However, as far as narcissists are concerned, they are mistreated, misunderstood and suffer greatly. They are the victims in this situation, and as the victims, how can they be bad? Instead, you are a terrible and abusive bully. The narcissist is unable to comprehend that their negative feelings stem from their personality disorder and not, in fact, others. This misunderstanding is a tortuous psychological blind spot for the narcissist and endlessly frustrates everyone in their life.

Have you spent countless hours explaining to a narcissist that the way they perceive events is dysfunctional? You probably reached a point whereby you thought that the narcissist had finally grasped reality and was on the edge of a major breakthrough, only for the individual with this pathology to turn around and throw everything back in your face. This pattern of behaviour is beyond exasperating and will destroy you both mentally and physically unless you accept your powerlessness to help.

In narcissistic relationships, the child and parent dynamic becomes re-enacted, and the narcissist a blameless and helpless child. Anyone involved with a narcissist finds themselves cast in the parent role, a position they initially didn’t realise they were to play. Can narcissists change and not rely on this toxic dynamic? Unlikely, as they know no alternative method to operate. You realise that even the most grandiose of the overt narcissists play the role of the child once you see behind the mask.

Narcissists believe that they deserve special treatment and that others should make great sacrifices on their behalf. It doesn’t cross their mind that they don’t give others this kind of love and affection. As far as the narcissist is concerned, their beliefs and behaviours are entirely justified, as they suffer more intensely than everyone else.

Pathologically narcissistic people are also incredibly concerned about changing their behaviour. Narcissists and control are hot topics. They view this as a threat to their identity, meaning that the answer to can a narcissist change? More or less impossible. The narcissist has no power to fix their broken and dysfunctional personality structure, in the same way that a cat cannot magically transform into a dog. Also, as their sense of self is already incredibly shaky and fragile, attempting to make any changes is viewed as frightening and perhaps harmful by the narcissist.

Onto the third reason, narcissists have little to no desire to fix their problematic ways. In their mind, you are the problem. All narcissists rely on projecting their unwanted painful feelings onto others – they do not have the strength to carry the burden. The narcissist does not change, as they believe that the way they operate works for them and cannot see that; in fact, it doesn’t. The narcissist’s personality structure is entirely rigid, with the false self layered over, suffocating any potential development of the stunted, authentic self.

Can a Narcissist Change With Tough Love?

Perhaps you’re finding the answers to will a narcissist ever change difficult to understand or accept. If so, you may be wondering, can a narcissist change with tough love? In these circumstances, tough love refers to bluntly spelling out the truth to the narcissist in an unsentimental manner. You may think that owing to the lack of emotional empathy in people with this pathology; perhaps this straightforward tactic may be effective. Unfortunately, you’re likely to be disappointed all over again.

Narcissists commonly perceive anything resembling tough love as abuse. They cannot understand and don’t want to understand what you’re trying to say, and hugely resent how you’re addressing them. You can try and explain all you want that you’re trying to help them in the long run, but narcissists don’t look to the future; they live in the here and now only.

Like a small child on the receiving end of discipline, the narcissist despises your attempt at employing authority and will probably frame you as their attacker. Your expectations of the narcissist will only make them retaliate further, dish out insults and push you away. Someone has to be motivated to want to change, and narcissists genuinely don’t possess the life force within their psyche to step up to the challenge. Trying to change a narcissist with tough love is an exercise in futility.

Tough love only works on the assumption that someone is capable of self-reflection. Narcissists spend their lives avoiding looking within and addressing their numerous issues, as deep down, they know they are powerless to action change. Parenting and conditioning shattered the pieces of narcissists’ emerging personalities during early childhood, and they now have no real way to put the jigsaw back together.

Do Narcissists Get Worse With Age?

Most of us who have had a run-in or relationship with a narcissist may be curious – do narcissists get worse with age? Unfortunately, evidence indicates that most with narcissistic personality disorder struggle more with their pathology as they age.

Firstly, the narcissist is likely to have less supply. Our social circles tend to shrink as we get older, and relying on benefits such as good looks and charm becomes less viable. No one finds ageing easy, but for narcissists, the effects on their mental health can be catastrophic. The realisation that they aren’t special or a shining example of a perfect citizen sets in, causing narcissistic injury and depression.

Secondly, narcissists worsen with age because they never address and heal their inner wounds. Like everything in life, neglected and unexamined, wounds have a habit of rotting.

Why the Narcissist Does Not Change Sum Up

With no respect for or understanding of others as human beings, the narcissist does not change; they have no reason to. To continue operating the way they do is far simpler and more manageable. In the narcissist’s emotionally arrested mind, change is unnecessary and offers no benefit to them. After all, their survival is all that matters. So, please don’t make the same mistake that so many of us have made along this challenging road and spent an eternity wondering, will a narcissist ever change? Your time and sanity are far too precious.

Even if a narcissist desperately wants to change and to be able to feel more positive emotions, such as love and emotional empathy, people with this pathology cannot change the fundamentals of their personality structure. Once into adulthood, the narcissist is what they are and cannot transform into another type of being. Contrary to popular belief, many narcissists express a desire to exist without their disorder, sometimes only out of sheer curiosity. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the magic wand to fix depilating personality disorders remains elusive.

If you found reading about will a narcissist ever change insightful, check out Why Does the Narcissist Have So Many Friends?