The Basic Psychology of the Narcissist

I dithered about writing this initial piece or having a section with this type of content, which focuses on delving into the psychology of the narcissist. With years of first-hand experience dealing with narcissists, however, I decided that I wanted to share my knowledge to help others understand this personality disorder and avoid wasting years in confusion and pain. 

How Narcissists Are Made

Those with pathological narcissism have a unique internal configuration. Within every narcissist lies an ineffective and heavily wounded true self. The true self is the narcissist’s original personality and soul if you like. As a small child, the narcissist unconsciously divorced from their true self at some point. The cause of this is not entirely known. However, the pathology is likely the result of genetic predisposition, inborn character, lack of love or a perceived lack of love during the early years of development. We can assume that the narcissist was born into an environment where narcissistic relationship patterns were commonplace.

The narcissist was born with a highly sensitive temperament. Whilst this trait is often perceived as positive and associated with high empathy, in the narcissist’s case, the same sensitivity has become the cause of their maladaptive nature.
After the narcissistic wound is incurred, the true self stops developing, thus explaining how narcissists are made. The narcissist will therefore be forever stuck at this age, emotionally speaking. In its place entered the ego. At the time, the ego offered an attractive, alternative vehicle of operation that would allow the narcissist to meet their needs and defend against vulnerability. The narcissist wants to move as far away as possible from their feelings as a helpless child.

As the narcissist continued to operate through the ego, the ego developed into a more established, often monstrous, false self. The false self is everything that the narcissist always wanted to be, possessing the characteristics they perceive their original true self to lack. If the narcissist feels that their authentic self is weak, they ensure that the false self presents as all-powerful. The same is true for the covert narcissist’s false self; only it can be much more challenging to recognise. Covert narcissists carry the same sense of entitlement as the overt. Only, being introverted narcissists, they are skilled in concealment. Covert narcissists may use guilt, pity plays and stonewalling to manipulate others into achieving their desired outcome.

Tragically, the narcissist becomes more detached from their original true self as time passes. The moment severance from the soul happened, there was no way back, and the narcissist could only become further separated from their underdeveloped identity. As a result, the narcissist cannot self-love, or self-reflect and lacks honesty with him or herself. If you’ve ever tried to have an honest conversation with a narcissist, you’ll notice the disconnect between reality and their emotions.

The narcissist’s ego entirely governs how the narcissist feels. Unfortunately, the false self is not self-sufficient but needs constant inflating with recognition and praise from others. This drug of choice is commonly known as narcissistic supply. The narcissist uses this supply to confirm their grandiosity and superiority over others and relieve deep-seated feelings of worthlessness and shame stemming from the original true self.

Narcissistic Relationship Patterns

Narcissistic personality disorder entirely governs all aspects of the narcissist’s behaviour, and there are easy-to-recognise narcissistic relationship patterns that play out repeatedly. Narcissists are essentially addicts who spend their lives running from their authentic selves and seeking out warmth, energy and affirmation from others. Many people fall for the manipulation tactics that come with the personality disorder and unknowingly find themselves enablers of narcissism. All individuals with this pathology suffer from codependency, no matter how hard they try to hide this fact with masking. The codependent narcissist is very much a genuine phenomenon.

When the narcissist fails to secure enough supply, the false self attacks the true self’s wounds, telling the narcissist they are useless, ugly and unlovable. These character assassinations are unbearable and deeply painful for them, as they would be for anyone. The false self is a heinous construct that abuses the damaged soul of the narcissist around the clock. As narcissists are so emotionally undeveloped, they cannot distinguish between fact and feeling, leaving them even more vulnerable. The inner world of those with this pathology is cruel and eternally tortuous, which we see reflected in all narcissistic relationship patterns.

As the codependent narcissist ages, the false self is allowed to develop evermore as the narcissist does not possess the emotional tools to face their childhood wounds. The narcissist will go through life becoming increasingly numb and viewing their actions as if they are a third person looking on. The psychology of the narcissist means that the disorder is generally progressive, as they remain trapped within their rigid personality construct.

Final Thoughts On the Psychology of Narcissism

Learning how narcissists are made can make for a depressing read and, in many cases, makes others feel greater empathy towards those suffering from this pathology. It’s not unnatural to want to nurture the narcissist or believe you can fix this person with the right amount of love. Sometimes, we think along these lines because of our egotism. Many of us may want to be a saviour, regardless of whether we’re conscious of this desire. In truth, however, this thought process is entirely romantic and not grounded in reality.

What exactly do you think that you’re trying to rescue? Underneath the various masks of the narcissist, there is no one home. There is no genuine feeling or reasonable person to reach within their construct. The underdeveloped soul of the narcissist sits trapped in a mental prison of their own making and has done so for decades. Sadly, nothing you or anyone else says or does can ever change this. 

If you found the reading about the psychology of the narcissist and narcissistic relationship patterns interesting, check out Why Does the Narcissist Have So Many Friends? For further reading on how narcissists are made, Psyche Blog also covers the topic with great accuracy and detail.