Why You Don’t Love the Narcissist

Before delving into why you don’t love the narcissist, I wanted to state that some of the views expressed may or may not be psychologically proven. After years of first-hand experience dealing with people with narcissistic personality disorder; however, these assertions are partially based on my personal logic and conclusions. I consider these deductions to be essential in healing from narcissistic abuse and codependency anxiety.

The Beginning

The start of any romantic relationship with a narcissist is typically a whirlwind. Perhaps the narcissist approached you; you sensed undeniable chemistry, and suddenly you were an item of sorts. Whereas things before meeting the narcissist were monotone and routine, life has a fresh intensity and vividness. You feel alive and electric in a way that you haven’t beforehand; you wonder how you ever even existed before this person entered your life. 

Into the Relationship

The days and weeks pass, and you are irrefutably in love with this person. You are so besotted by the narcissist that you exist in a trance-like state and believe you are very much living your halcyon days. It doesn’t take long before you start neglecting all other aspects of your life and self, such as family and friend relationships, career, and physical health. However, you’re so under the narcissist’s spell that you fail to realise your self-destructive ways.

If anyone tries to help and intervene, you push that person away and tell them that they don’t understand the love you have. You don’t for a minute consider that you may be engaged in a toxic relationship or another one of the narcissists’ victims.

Dissonance

As much as you know that you love the narcissist like no person ever before, you sometimes wonder why. You catch yourself looking at the narcissist and questioning if you are truly physically attracted to them in moments. Objectively speaking, perhaps they are unlike any other previous partner you’ve had appearance-wise. 

The relationship may have developed, but the narcissist’s feelings for you somehow haven’t. The narcissist is now increasingly irritated by you and showing this in a multitude of ways. He or she is now incapable of listening to anything you have to say. You are interrupted mid-sentence, dismissed, or mocked. Other times, the narcissist lashes out at you with such vitriolic rage for something so minor that you’re left stunned.

Time has passed, and you are not the person you once were. Whereas you used to be capable, confident and relatively calm, you’re now reduced to a quivering wreck. Some days you wake up in tears, and there is a mounting sense of grief and darkness. With anxiety levels incredibly high, you’ve developed a panic attack problem. Your physical health is in tatters, with abundant unexplained serious symptoms. Welcome to life as one of the narcissist’s victims.

As much as you know that you love the narcissist unconditionally, things don’t add up. Your codependency anxiety is off the scale. You feel empty, numb and desperately unhappy. All the characteristics you used to pride yourself on have disappeared; your soul has seemingly died, and your glow has gone.

Can a Narcissist Love? The Truth

People with narcissistic personality disorder suffer a severe case of arrested development. The narcissist’s true self stopped developing typically under the age of five years. With no real personality to lean on, the ego took over, developing into a monstrous false self. This is the fake personality that the narcissist presents to the world.

Where the narcissist’s true self and soul once existed is now a gaping black hole. This void feels like annihilation to the narcissist, and he or she seeks to fill it with whatever means possible, which is where the narcissist’s victims enter.

In healthy relationships, both people possess and operate through a true self, which they love unconditionally and accept flaws. Psychologically healthy people feel a degree of contentment and warmth all on their own, and don’t necessarily need to depend on others to be happy. 

When the romantic interest meets the narcissist, something extraordinary happens. His or her love pours into the narcissist’s empty space. The narcissist’s inner void is fathomless, and no amount of love will ever be able to fill it. For the first time in your life, most likely, you have experienced your very essence and ability to love. Loving the narcissist is intoxicating, and you feel drunk on love. In your mind, the intense emotions you are feeling have resulted because the narcissist also loves you. You have convinced yourself that you share a uniquely special bond. Unfortunately, in reality, you’re just another one of the narcissist’s victims, suffering from codependency anxiety and who failed the trauma bonding test.

What you never realised at the time is that all of the deep love emotions you are feeling have come from one place – you. You’ve been high on your own love and no one else’s. Whilst it looked, as though the narcissist once loved you, he or she was, in fact, mirroring your own love back at you. Your unconditional love may have soothed the narcissist, but only temporarily. This realisation that you don’t love the narcissist is the ultimate freedom you need. 

When the relationship comes to an end, you will likely feel cut off from your own being and emotions for a while. The degree of love poured into the narcissist’s void leaves virtually none left for you, incurring intense psychological suffering as a result. ‘Loving’ a narcissist is a hellish trauma bonding test.

Healing From Codependency Anxiety

Being involved with a narcissist is an overwhelmingly negative experience. You’re far from alone if you constantly question yourself and then spend hours debating can a narcissist love you. Most people feel grief and anger as they accept that you don’t love the narcissist after all and were manipulated into the relationship. However, as time passes, it’s essential to look at what we can gain from the ordeal. The narcissist teaches us that we have an infinite ability to love, far beyond anything we initially realise. Now is the point in life to start directing that love back at one person – you. 

If you liked Why You Don’t Love the Narcissist, and learning more about codependency anxiety and the trauma bonding test, check out The Truth About Narcissists and Projection. Alternatively, want to delve further into can a narcissist love? Head over to Can Narcissists Love? now.