Why the Narcissist Chose You: 5 Reasons

Have you ever been left wondering why the narcissist chose you? Do you sometimes feel unlucky to have become involved with such a character? You curiously observe how the narcissist bypasses other people whilst you are seemingly a deliberate target. Sometimes, it’s endlessly frustrating to see others going through life narcissists-free whilst you’re caught in the crossfire of someone else’s battle of psychological warfare.

The answer to this post question is complex and multi-faceted but crucial to understanding and overcoming the damaging effects of the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Don’t be left feeling like a victim and asking yourself for many years to come, ‘why did the narcissist choose me?’

You Made the Narcissist Look Good

The first point is perhaps the most obvious and straightforward answer to why did the narcissist choose me; however, narcissists take this idea to a whole new level. Whereas the average neurotypical person is often physically attracted to someone before developing a deeper emotional connection, the narcissist sees beauty in another as a tool they can use for themselves. 

If the narcissist’s partner is stereotypically good-looking, the narcissist will lap up the increased attention but use it to reinforce their false self. In the narcissist’s mind, everything and everyone flows to and from themselves. People with narcissistic personality disorder do not see you in very literal terms.

Partners who have a certain social standing, wealth or achieved accomplishments will also be perceived to make the narcissist look good. In a nutshell, you have something that the narcissist wants to use for their façade management. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take too long until these very desired qualities become a source of narcissistic envy, and you start picking up signs that the narcissist is done with you.

You Have High Empathy

People with narcissistic personality disorder are emotionally disabled. Inside every narcissist lies an insatiable void. Narcissists go through life in survival mode, attempting to fill this hollowness at all costs. If the narcissist fails to fill the emptiness, they experience severe mental distress.

When the narcissist encounters a person with high empathy, they spot an emotional being beneficial for their gain. Individuals with high empathy are typically emotionally strong, which is ideal for the narcissist, who relishes absorbing this infinite energy source for him or herself.

High empathy people will tend to give the narcissist chance after chance. They can understand that the narcissist’s behaviour is coming from a wounded place, which causes them to feel considerable compassion for the person with narcissistic personality disorder. Sadly, this outpouring of empathy exists only to the detriment of the loving individual, who, more often than not, is chasing a fantasy form of unconditional love.

You Have Poor Boundaries

Whilst it’s sometimes difficult to accept, that is one reason why the narcissist chose you. Do you tend to feel responsible for the emotions and actions of others? Do you continue to carry this burden, even after becoming abundantly clear that the other person will never take ownership of their personal well-being? 

Perhaps you are drawn to others who you perceive to require fixing; you focus on loving this person at the detriment of your own welfare. 

You find it challenging to say no to others, even when you know deep down that you should. Somehow, you seem to be undertaking endless favours for others, which are mostly not returned. 

If you recognise these behaviours in yourself, chances are you lack personal boundaries, which makes you a perfect target for the narcissist. Once you begin to develop healthy personal boundaries, you won’t be able to miss the signs a narcissist is done with you or when another person is using you.

You Mirrored the False Self

Now is the time to stop lamenting the question of why did the narcissist choose me and accept the albeit unconscious role you played. Narcissists can usually tell within the first instance of meeting another person whether or not they have bought into the false self. The narcissist will be able to know if they charm you. Anyone who doesn’t fall victim to the fake charms of the narcissist may well find themselves on the receiving end of toxic narcissistic envy.

Why the narcissist chose you becomes evident if you adored the narcissist and showered them with compliments from the very beginning. Praise is like oxygen for the narcissist who lives to seek it. Did you initially feel lucky to have met the narcissist? If you placed the narcissist on a pedestal, you effectively told the narcissist that they are wonderful; you supplied the narcissist with the ultimate drug. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder will never say no to getting a supply fix.

Narcissists are woefully empty and have no genuine or healthily formed identity to rely on to get through in life. The person they present to the world is the mask of the false self and a complete work of fiction and fantasy. All individuals with this pathology are aware of this fact, even if only on a subconscious level. For their survival, narcissists scramble to find identity in whatever they can, whether that’s people, material possessions or social status.

You represent nothing more than a mirror to the narcissist, who only sees themselves and the positive or negative reflection coming back to them. Empaths make particularly good mirrors because they tend to reflect by default and often battle personal identity issues. If you’re still wondering, ‘why did the narcissist pick me?’ you can stop the guessing game. Using their cold empathy, the narcissist sensed from the start that you would make a brilliant reflector in their endeavour to save themselves from their dark, ruinous soul.

The Narcissist Saw Him or Herself in You

The final point in answering the question of why the narcissist chose you can be divisive. This post is going to address it, however, no matter how contentious.

An argument exists that one of the reasons why the narcissist chose you is because they saw him or herself within your being. All pathologically narcissistic people are highly sensitive – but only for themselves. Therefore, it’s possible to reason that the narcissist was born a highly sensitive person, in the same way that an individual with high empathy is. Sadly for the narcissist, this personal quality was not viewed as positive or helpful and was therefore denied and shut out. The narcissist felt too much, which was perceived to be painful and had only negative repercussions. 

Unfortunately for the narcissist, this attempt to shut out all emotions has somewhat failed. The narcissist’s high sensitivity still very much exists, but being deprived of the chance to develop into a character strength, is now maladaptive. In the empathetic, highly sensitive person, the narcissist sees what their true self may have once become. 

If you liked getting answers to why did the narcissist choose me, or would like to be able to recognise the signs a narcissist is done with you, check out Why You Don’t Love the Narcissist.

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